


Someone I Have Always Known

by AMidnightDreary



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Acceptance, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Awkwardness, Bottom Tony Stark, Developing Relationship, Hand Jobs, Idiots in Love, M/M, Mild Smut, Nightmares, Post-Avengers (2012), Resolved Sexual Tension, Sexual Tension, Shower Sex, Soul Bond
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-23
Updated: 2019-04-23
Packaged: 2020-01-24 14:51:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,741
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18573730
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AMidnightDreary/pseuds/AMidnightDreary
Summary: Tony always thought that the weirdest thing about soulmates is being supposed to  find them. But, as it turns out,havinghis soulmate is much weirder, and... easy?





	Someone I Have Always Known

**Author's Note:**

> Look, I wrote a Soulmate Thing. I don't know if it's any good, but... enjoy, I guess?
> 
> Title and the quote in the beginning are taken by the song All I've Ever Known from Hadestown, which you should [totally listen to](https://youtu.be/97N6iYGEspY) because it's very soulmate-y!

_I knew you before we met,_

_And I don't even know you yet._

_All I know is you're someone I have always known._

~ All I've Ever Known, Hadestown

 

“I am not entirely sure if I know how to do this”, Loki says, so quietly that Tony almost doesn't hear him. It's a confession, a secret Loki doesn't actually want Tony to know about but tells him, anyway, because somehow they can't help but trust each other.

“I've no real idea, either”, Tony says. He tries to smirk, but doesn't quite manage.

Loki looks at him, just briefly. His eyes are very green, Tony thinks absently; it's one of those rather incoherent thoughts that flicker through his mind with increasing regularity since Loki is back on Earth. Thoughts like _Loki's hair must be really soft now that it's clean_ , or _Loki's fingers look like I should buy him a piano_ , or _Loki's eyes are the loveliest ones I have ever seen_. The latter is what he's thinking about right now, while they are standing in the middle of Tony's penthouse, not far away from the now not anymore broken window Tony was recently thrown out of. Tony thinks about Loki's eyes while those eyes look down, away, anywhere as long as they don't have to meet Tony's. Loki is absentmindedly rubbing his wrists, as if he still feels the imprint of shackles there. He probably does.

Tony clears his throat. “So, uh, do you - do you have any luggage?”

Loki looks at him again. “No”, he says.

“Oh. What about -” Tony's gaze drops first to Loki's chest, then to his legs and all the way down to his feet. He has to swallow, and another incoherent thought takes up too much space in his head for a moment - _Loki does look good in green_. Tony might have a new favourite color.

“Yes?”, Loki prompts after a long, silent moment.

“Clothes? And stuff?”

“I have these”, Loki says, gesturing weakly at the clothes he's wearing; a dark green tunic and a brown waistcoat-thing, dark leather pants tucked into almost knee-high boots.

“I'll have JARVIS order stuff for you”, Tony says, because he can't really let Loki have just one set of clothing. “Just so you - you know, have something, for the first days, and then you can…”

Tony doesn't finish the sentence, because it doesn't seem like Loki particularly cares. He's just looking at Tony, studying him intently, as if every move he makes and every word he says are something Loki needs to analyze, to _memorize_ , as if he is scared that he won't get the chance to see everything about Tony there is to see.

Tony is looking at Loki in a pretty similar way, probably.

“Are you hungry?”, Tony asks, because he doesn't know what else to ask.

Loki shakes his head. That irks Tony, somehow, because Loki looks like he is hungry. Loki also looks thin and tired, and he moves as if there is not a single bone in his body that isn't hurting. Tony wants to give him something to eat, and then he wants to take him to bed. To sleep. Just to sleep. Tony is awfully tired himself. It's been some long fucking days. Weeks. Months.

“Well”, he says, and feels ridiculous. “Your room is… that way. Right next to mine. There's a bathroom for you, too.”

Loki glances into the direction Tony is indicating, then turns back to him. The fingers of his right hand have started fidgeting, but he keeps them firmly tucked against his side. “Thank you”, he says, a little bit too slowly, as if he isn't sure if that's the right answer.

It's not.

“You don't -”, Tony says, then realizes that his tongue will stumble over the next words. He makes himself take a breath before he continues, “You don't have to thank me. This is - everything here, everything that's mine is yours, too.”

For a second it seems like Loki wants to argue, but then he just nods. He looks away again.

It's too quiet, for a while.

“You're probably tired”, Loki says then, his tone almost soft.

Tony shrugs. It's late, but it's not like he's ever had a regular sleeping pattern. But yeah, he is tired, and of course Loki knows. Tony can watch Loki's Adam's apple bob as he swallows; the sight is more fascinating than it should be.

“Maybe we can…”, Loki begins and trails off. He swallows again. “Retire for the evening, and talk when we are rested.”

It's not hard to agree to that. “Okay”, Tony says. “Sure.”

Loki nods. They stand around pointlessly for a moment longer, then Tony forces himself to move and lead the way to their bedrooms. They stop in front of Loki's door. Loki looks at it like he has never seen a door in his life, then back at Tony.

“You'll find everything you need in the bathroom, I think”, Tony says, just to fill the silence.

“Thank you”, Loki says again, and this time Tony doesn't correct him.

“Okay”, he says instead. “Then I'll…”

He gestures at the door that leads to his own room and Loki nods. He sounds hesitant when he says, “Good night.’

“Yeah.” Tony makes himself smile at Loki. “Night.”

Loki disappears into his room and closes the door behind him. It takes a moment until Tony can move. In his bedroom, he undresses on autopilot and then crawls into bed, too tired to do anything else.

His skin is itching. It's also starting to feel too hot, like Tony's about to have a fever. He knows that he won't have a fever, but it's still an annoying feeling. It makes him dizzy. He is almost used to it by now, after spending several months in this state, but now that he has had a _sort of_ clear head for a few hours, he wants to have that clear head back as soon as possible.

It would be easy. Loki's just a few steps away, after all, right there on the other side of the wall. Tony doesn't leave his bed. Eternities tick by, slowly and steadily, and he lies awake and stares at the ceiling, trying to ignore the pain in his chest. It doesn't have anything to do with the arc reactor. It's not even real, physical pain, although Tony doesn't know _what_ it is, exactly. Nobody does. But it's certainly there, the sharp, unkind feeling of an unfinished bond, sitting somewhere behind the reactor as if it has any right to be there and keep Tony from sleeping. As if Tony asked for this. For Loki - Tony didn't ask for Loki. A part of him wishes he never met Loki, but the rest of him is so scared of _losing_ Loki again that a bit of pain seems like a minor price to pay.

He curls up on his side, in the end, and does his best to keep his breaths slow and deep and even. He can feel Loki close by. That's enough. It has to be enough.

Tony can't say how many hours have passed when somebody - no, not just somebody - opens the bedroom door, only a crack. Tony stops breathing, then, and waits until Loki slips into the room. He doesn't make any sounds as he walks, but the mattress does sag when he crawls into bed next to Tony, joining him beneath the covers slowly, but without any real hesitation.

Tony lets out a rush of breath, the sound of it too loud in the silent room, and rolls onto his back. He can see the silhouette of Loki's face, but not much more. Loki is lying on his side, so close that they are almost touching but not really, and his breaths are a little shallow. A few minutes go by, then there's a cold hand on Tony's stomach, the touch sending thrills up and down his spine even though Loki isn't even touching bare skin.

“Off”, Loki whispers. He sounds ragged, broken, as if he couldn't possible muster the energy to say more than that single word.

Tony obeys without a thought, sitting up only long enough that he can pull his t-shirt over his head. Now the light of the arc reactor isn't just a muffled glow anymore, but bright enough that Tony can make out the lines of Loki's face, the look in those green eyes. Loki glances at the arc reactor only briefly, then focuses on Tony's face again. His hand is back on Tony's stomach, rubbing soothing circles into it with his thumb. It wanders lower until it reaches the waistband of Tony's boxers.

“Off”, Loki says again.

Tony doesn't hesitate this time, either. He's naked just seconds later, and as soon he's lying down again, Loki's body is firmly tucked against his side. His face is buried in the crook of Tony's neck, his arm thrown over his middle and holding him close, legs entangling with Tony's. Loki is naked, too, and his skin is cool and soft and everything Tony has ever needed. He huddles closer against Loki and touches him in return - one arm around his shoulders, his other hand grasping Loki's and entwining their fingers. Loki's hair tickles and his breath brushes against Tony's skin, still shallow but starting to even out. He smells like nothing in particular, but still good.

Tony closes his eyes and sleeps. The pain in his chest is already gone.

  
  


Tony wakes up after fourteen hours. He feels groggy and his entire right leg has gone to sleep, but he’s still oddly content. He isn’t in pain, first and foremost - apart from the steady ache of the arc reactor, that is - and his thoughts aren’t hazier than they should be, even right after waking up. That’s good.

He turns his head to look at Loki. He’s still sleeping. JARVIS is allowing enough light to come through the windows that Tony can see Loki’s face. The usually so sharp lines, especially those around Loki’s eyes and mouth, are soft and relaxed, as if sleep has allowed him to forget whatever haunts him when he’s awake. He looks younger and also less sick than Tony remembers, even though Loki’s cheeks are still hollow, his skin still waxy. He’s also far too thin, definitely, and Tony feels bad for not making him eat before going to bed.

They have drifted away from each other in sleep, just a little. Loki’s body isn’t pressed against Tony’s own from head to toe anymore, but his head is resting on the same pillow and his hand is on Tony’s chest, right below the arc reactor. Somehow, Loki’s fingers being so close to the reactor doesn’t make Tony nervous. He shifts carefully, trying to roll onto his side without waking Loki up. He slowly pulls his leg from beneath Loki’s and moves his toes, trying to get the prickling to stop. He can’t take his eyes away from Loki’s face, and before he knows it he’s already reaching out, trailing his fingers over Loki’s cheekbones, then from the bridge of his nose down to the tip of it. The touch makes Tony’s fingertips tingle. There’s a warmth inside his chest, right there where the pain was all those months between the invasion and Loki’s return. Tony forgets to breathe.

Loki wakes up when Tony’s thumb brushes over his lips. He flinches slightly, his head jerking before he drowsily blinks his eyes open. He’s frowning, but the crease between his eyes smoothes out as soon as his eyes focus on Tony. Tony has already withdrawn his hand and put it on the pillow between them, trying to act like he wasn’t weirdly touching Loki while he was sleeping. He watches as Loki rubs his eyes, enthralled by every tiny movement he makes.

“Hi”, Tony says after a moment, the word not much more than a breath.

“Hello.” Loki’s voice is soft from sleep, and warm. He’s looking at Tony again, but then his eyes drop down to Tony’s hand. He shifts and reaches out to touch Tony’s fingers, slowly and carefully. Loki examines his hand, gently turning and lifting and touching it, and Tony lets him. “I think I haven’t slept this well in decades”, Loki murmurs.

“Same”, Tony says quietly. “I vote that you, uh… sleep here. Every night, I mean.”

“Yes”, Loki agrees instantly. He entwines their fingers and squeezing Tony’s hand. His eyes flicker back to Tony’s. “Do you mind?”

“No”, Tony says and squeezes back.

Loki seems pleased. He doesn’t let go of Tony’s hand, but his sole attention is on his face now. “What is your full name?”, he asks then, curious.

Tony blinks. “You don’t know?”

“They refused to tell me anything”, Loki says.

 _They_ , meaning the Asgardians. Loki spent the last months in prison while Tony and Thor sorted everything out. Tony wonders what Loki remembers of the invasion. Not much, according to Thor.

“Anthony Edward Stark”, Tony says. “Everybody calls me Tony, though.”

Loki hums and shifts closer, letting go of Tony’s hand to put his own on Tony’s neck, drawing him in. Their noses touch and for the very first time, Loki smiles. “Can I call you Anthony?”

Tony has forgotten how to breathe, again. Seems to be a reoccurring issue. “Sure”, he gets out. “Anything you want.”

“Anthony”, Loki says. It sounds like he’s testing out how the name feels on his tongue. It warms Tony up from the inside, hearing that, and suddenly he realizes that he’s smiling, too.

“Loki”, Tony replies and Loki nods, apparently satisfied.

“How do your people do this, Anthony?”, he asks, almost tentatively.

Tony swallows. “The whole… soulmate thing, you mean?”

“Yes.”

“Well, uh…” Tony tries to sort his thoughts. “People stay together until the bond is… you know, in full working in order, and in that time everyone else usually leaves them alone. And after that, it’s… up to the couples, really. Most stay together, of course.”

Loki nods slowly. His hand has moved to Tony’s jaw, fingertips tracing the lines of his goatee. “I want to stay with you”, Loki says.

It doesn’t sound like he’s willing to negotiate that, and honestly Tony’s pretty fine with that. He nods - he should say something, probably, but he doesn’t find any good words. Loki seems to understand, anyway.

“How do your people do this?”, Tony asks, his voice a bit ragged.

“The Aesir are not my people”, Loki says at once, but he doesn’t sound offended. “In Asgard, most couples are immediately married.”

“Oh.” Tony swallows, staring at Loki, and after some time asks, “Do you, ah - Do you want that, too?”

“Yes”, Loki says simply. “In time.”

“Okay”, Tony says. And, yes, okay. They’re engaged now. Sort of. That’s fine. Tony clears his throat. “So you - uh, you don’t want to keep this - platonic, then, right?”

Loki looks at him for a moment, then frowns. “No, I… Well. If that is what you want, then we can -”

“No”, Tony interrupts. Has to clear his throat again. “No, not platonic is… fine. Yes.”

Loki is still frowning a little, and after a moment he pulls away and sits up. He’s still looking down at Tony, though, and while he doesn’t look angry or anything, he does seem uncomfortable again.

“I would like to eat something”, he says, rather stiffly, and Tony immediately nods.

“Yeah, we can - we can have breakfast. Or late lunch. Whatever time it is. If you want to take a shower or... something…”

Tony trails off, because Loki has gotten out of bed. He’s still very naked, and the lot of pale skin and lean limbs is too much for Tony’s brain.

Also Loki really needs to be fed.

Tony coughs and stands up himself, then gathers his shirt and boxers from the floor next to the bed. When he looks at Loki again, he is staring at him, and it takes Loki a long moment to drag his eyes up to Tony’s face again. Tony can see him swallow, then gets the chance to stare at Loki's tongue as it darts out to wet his lips. For a moment, Tony imagines pulling Loki back into bed, then staying there for hours, the whole day, maybe - he has to put his mouth on every patch of pale, smooth looking skin he can see right now. That’s obligatory.

Loki breaks the silence. “I’ll meet you in the…” He gestures at the open door, and Tony nods. Loki turns and leaves the room, and Tony can’t _not_ look at his ass. It’s a lovely ass.

Tony nods again, even though JARVIS is the only one who can see it, and then drags his feet first to the bathroom and then into the shower.

He wasn’t aroused when he woke up, but he certainly is now.

Fuck.

  
  


The pain in his chest is back when Tony gets out of the shower, and his head is already spinning again. He tries his best to ignore it - Loki is still _on the same floor_ , for heaven’s sake, their bond can deal with them being apart for twenty minutes - and makes his way to the kitchen, where he starts cooking breakfast. It’s late afternoon, but Tony doesn’t mind eating breakfast at this time. He’s also too lazy to cook anything else than eggs and bacon.

He’s lost in thoughts, so it takes him by surprise when suddenly there’s a body pressed against his back. It’s Loki, of course it is. He wraps his arms around Tony from behind and nuzzles his neck, letting out a relieved breath.

“We should shower together, next time”, he murmurs into Tony’s skin.

Tony’s mouth is really dry, but he nods and says, “Yes, we should.”

Loki hums and rests his chin on Tony’s shoulder, looking at what he’s doing. His hands start to draw lazy circles on Tony’s stomach. “Are you in pain?”, he asks softly, his concern audible.

Tony shakes his head. “It’s fine, now.”

“But while I was gone?”

“Yeah”, Tony says, shrugging. “Whenever you’re not close by.”

Loki presses a soothing kiss into the crook of Tony’s neck. It’s incredibly light, Tony almost doesn’t even feel it, but it still makes him shiver.

“It is the same for me”, Loki says quietly.

Tony nods slowly. “It’s the - the bond. It’ll take a few weeks until…”

“I know”, Loki says. “Maybe longer, since we were apart for so long.”

“Mhhm.”

They’re quiet for a while. Loki doesn’t back away, just watches as Tony shoves the eggs around in the pan. “Anthony”, he says then, almost in a whisper.

“Yes?”

“I am glad that we have found each other. I waited for so long, and you feel -” An almost wistful sigh, then Loki’s lips brush the shell of Tony’s ear. He kisses the soft patch of skin between neck and jaw. “I am glad that it’s you.”

Tony’s throat feels too tight. He doesn’t trust his voice, but he can’t just not say what he needs to say. “I’m glad that it’s you, too.”

And he is. He _is_ , even though it doesn’t make any sense at all. He hasn’t forgotten what Loki did. Or that he’s an alien. But it’s _Loki_ , and something about him just feels so… familiar. Tony doesn’t even really know him, but he still knows who Loki _is_ , and that they belong to each other. Together. That’s the first law of nature in Tony’s world, now. Loki is the center, the focal point. Loki is everything, and Tony knows him. Not his quirks or likes or dislikes, but the _core_ of him, and the rest they can and will figure out in time.

Tony smiles to himself, and it doesn’t feel strained anymore. “Could you set the table?”

“Of course.” Loki kisses Tony’s cheek, then goes to inspect the cupboards. Tony doesn’t tell him where anything is, but Loki figures it out on his own quickly enough.

They sit next to each other while eating, their feet constantly bumping into each other under the table.

After “breakfast”, they load the dishwasher together. Tony catches himself touching Loki a lot - a hand on his arm, fingers brushing Loki's, shoulders bumping into each other. Loki does it, too. His touch is surprisingly gentle.

“Tell me about yourself”, Loki says.

“What do you want to know?”

“Everything”, Loki replies, then amends, “Everything you are comfortable with.”

Tony tells Loki about his very first creation. Then about his mother and his father’s company, and about the car accident. He mentions Stane and depicts Afghanistan with just a few sentences. He talks about Iron Man and about Pepper, just briefly.

They are sitting on the sofa when he’s done talking for the moment. Loki is looking down at his tea, or maybe at Tony’s feet that are resting in his lap. “You deserve someone better”, he says simply, as if stating a fact that can’t be disputed.

“I deserve you”, Tony corrects. “Otherwise it wouldn’t be you.”

“If you would rather have that woman -”

“No”, Tony says firmly.

Loki doesn't argue, even though he doesn't seem entirely convinced.

Tony nudges his thigh with his foot. “What about you?”

“Me?”

“I want to know more about you, too.”

Loki is quiet for a long time. “I’m not sure what is left of me”, he says then, and leaves it at that.

Tony doesn’t pressure him. There aren’t any secrets standing in between them, he thinks, it’s just that this is very new and very frightening, and it’s not yet time to speak about some things.

That’s alright.

  
  


A few hours before midnight, Loki is already tired again. Tony wonders just how long Loki wasn’t able to rest properly before he returned to Earth, to Tony. He drags Loki to his bedroom, where they both undress and lie down without further ado.

Loki wraps himself around Tony again, his head resting on Tony's shoulders. Tony brought a tablet because his mind is still too busy to sleep. Loki watches him work on some designs for a while, but it doesn't take long until he falls asleep.

For the fact that this was the very first day they spent together, it went surprisingly well. The awkwardness from yesterday evening is still there and it won't just disappear overnight, but it's bearable. Also Tony wasn't thrown out of any windows, and Loki wasn't tossed against a wall by Tony's repulsors. They get along well, actually, which probably shouldn't surprise Tony. He just isn't sure how much the still forming bond has to do with that; he knows that it's normal that couples don't really fight during the first weeks, maybe even the first months. So it could still be that they will bust each other's heads as soon as their bond is properly established.

Anyway.

Before Tony goes to sleep, he takes off the metal bracelets he was wearing the whole time and stores them away in his nightstand.

  
  


Loki want to take a shower next morning, and only when they are already in the shower Tony realizes that Loki didn't want it because he wants to wash himself. No, he wants to wash Tony, apparently, and he wants to do that slowly and thoroughly.

Tony isn't complaining.

Loki made him turn around as soon as they were both in the shower, then fumbled around with the faucet until the temperature was to his satisfaction. The water is a bit cooler than Tony prefers, but he forgets about that when Loki starts washing his hair. His fingers feel heavenly against Tony's scalp, and Tony all but melts into the tall, lean body behind him. Loki makes a pleased noise; Tony can feel the soft vibration in the chest he's leaning against. Loki reaches around Tony for the shampoo bottle.

Tony closes his eyes and just lets Loki do this. It's no hardship. Loki's touch is indeed gentle, and his hands are skilled at kneading the tension right out of Tony's muscles. Because Loki doesn't just wash his hair, he also washes the entire rest of him, and it feels like his fingers map every inch of Tony's body in the process. Loki is _exploring_ him, his movements slow and intent, as if doing this requires a lot of concentration. Maybe it does, Tony wouldn't know - clear thought is far beyond him at this point. Because Loki is right there, in the shower with him, and he's touching Tony like he is the greatest possible treasure. With Loki's mouth on his cheek, his jaw, his neck, and his hands wandering lower and lower until - _oh_ \- Tony doesn't stand a chance, really. He gasps and bucks into Loki's hand, tilting his head so that Loki can mouth at the soft, wet skin of his throat. There's a faint echo of _something_ coming through their still thin bond, making the invisible threads between them resonate with some sort of second hand pleasure. It's nothing, really, just a fraction of what Loki must be feeling at this very moment, but the surprise about feeling anything at all is still enough to make Tony topple him over the edge. That catches him by surprise, too, and his knees go weak - he would fall if it weren't for Loki's arms holding him upright. Somewhere in the edges of his hazy thoughts, Tony notices that Loki is coming, too, pressing himself against Tony's backside. The echo of it makes him dizzy in the best of ways. Feeling even the tiniest bit of what Loki feels is exhilarating, and also almost too much. Tony wants more of that.

No wonder that newly bonded pairs spend so much time in bed, really.

Tony can feel Loki's breaths against his neck, a little ragged. He's still struggling for air himself. They ended up leaning against the wall of the shower, somehow, and Tony's slightly afraid that they'll topple over in the near future. His knees are still wobbly, but he manages to turn around in Loki's arms.

Loki looks at him, his eyes glassy. Tony washes his hair, then the rest of him. Loki's eyes close again pretty quickly; it seems like he enjoys the attention. He's practically purring.

When they eventually step out of the shower, they go back to bed. Loki just stops by at the kitchen to get them something to eat. And so they end up lying in bed, eating cornflakes without milk because Loki didn't know that cornflakes go with milk. Tony doesn't know why he's so tired, but Loki doesn't seem really awake anymore, either. Could be the bond, Tony thinks; he's heard that bonding is exhausting.

He thinks it might be worth it.

  
  


“You look good in a suit”, Tony says, only a bit dreamily. They are sitting in bed, Loki leaning against the headboard with Tony between his legs, and shopping for clothes online. Loki is a bit distracted by littering Tony's neck and jaw with kisses, but the compliment makes him perk up.

“I do?”

“Yeah.” Tony nods slowly. He is about to mention Stuttgart, but then decides that that's probably a not so good idea. “I'm gonna buy you some suits.”

Loki hums his agreement. He mostly just watches as Tony taps away at the tablet in his hands, already buying more stuff than Loki really needs. But Tony feels like it's alright to dote on him a little; Loki _is_ his soulmate, after all.

A week has passed by now. The whole time Loki wore either Tony's clothes, which looks adorable but sadly isn't anything for the long run, or nothing, because they spend a lot of time in bed. Like now. They don't have sex, though - well, they get each other off every time they shower together, but they haven't gone further than that so far. Actually, they haven't even kissed properly so far. Whenever they're naked and in bed, they just cuddle, or talk. Or touch with no real purpose behind it, only fingers brushing against bare skin because they need something to do, and because they enjoy it.

It's all a bit weird, but it's not like Tony didn't expect it to be weird. He expected it to be a lot weirder, actually. Since the moment he realized Loki was his soulmate, in Stuttgart, he knew that things between them wouldn't just be _normal_ \- especially when Loki didn't recognize him in return and threw him out of the tower not much later. He already thought their bond was one of those not unheard of, but very rare one-sided ones. He's lucky that it isn't probably, and that Loki did recognized him after the Hulk broke the majority of his bones.

Tony still wonders about that, but Loki hasn't yet told him more about. Loki hasn't told him a lot at all. He is surprisingly quiet, prefers to speak about Tony than about himself, and most of the time he’s gentle and polite. Considerate. Sometimes Tony wonders if this bond of theirs is just a different sort of mind control. But then Loki’s voice gets that sharp edge or one of his smirks is a touch too cruel, and Tony realizes that it isn’t easy for Loki to be as gentle and polite and considerate as he is. He’s just trying to be somebody Tony wants to keep, even though he already is that somebody.

“Are you alright?”, Loki’s voice asks, close to his ear, and Tony blinks and realizes that his hands have stilled.

“Yeah”, he says. “Just thinking.”

He wants to take Loki on a shopping tour through New York. He’ll do that as soon Loki is allowed to leave the few tower, in a few months.

  
  


The first time Loki wakes up screaming, Tony isn't surprised. He woke up some time earlier, feeling uneasy, and then had the questionable pleasure to watch Loki toss and turn. Loki woke up before Tony could even try to wake him up, and his scream was a broken and wet thing that didn't really deserve to be called scream at all. Tony isn't sure if Loki is aware of what happened and is now happening around him. He's still shaking and turns his head away from Tony as soon as JARVIS turns on the lights on a low level. Tony tries to touch him, but -

“Touch me and you'll lose your hand.”

Okay.

So Tony waits. He sits on the bed and tries not to stare at Loki as he tries to calm down, his eyes closed, lips pressed together. Loki moves to the edge of the bed after some time, his back towards Tony.

After some time, he says he's sorry.

“It's fine”, Tony says and moves closer, carefully putting his hands on Loki's tense shoulders. “Think you can go back to sleep?”

Loki shakes his head.

“Want to watch a movie?”

Loki sucks in a breath, then nods. “Yes.”

So they watch a movie, and then another and another, until the night is over.

 

The first time Tony wakes up - well, not screaming, but still from a nightmare, Loki doesn't seem surprised, either. He gives Tony more than enough time to catch his breath and calms down, and then Loki carefully pulls him close and wraps him up in his arms.

“I dream about the void, too”, he whispers, and when Tony doesn't say anything, Loki starts mumbling apologies into his skin, as if he is to blame for Tony's nightmares. Which is not the complete truth, but true, anyway, and Tony can feel the echo of Loki's pain and guilt through their bond.

He wonders if Loki saw what he dreamed about.

 

Somehow, Tony gets used to Loki's constant presence. He gets used to falling asleep next to Loki and to waking up next to him, and to cooking and showering and living with him. A month after Loki moved in, Tony can't think him away anymore. He's always there, in Tony's thoughts and right next to him, and Tony can't imagine Loki _not_ being there. His company isn't annoying or stifling and speaking to him doesn't get boring. Loki's able to keep up with Tony like nobody else before - which makes sense, really.

After that first month, Tony manages to gather the courage - and the trust - to show Loki his workshop, and Loki fits into it like there has been a Loki-shaped hole the entire time before. He fills it instinctively, without effort. He plays fetch with the bots and listens intently to Tony as he speaks about his inventions, and he asks perfect questions and muses over ideas Tony has already thought about but hasn't yet managed to realize.

To Tony's surprise, Loki also begins to talk. He tells Tony about magic and his mother, who taught him, his voice and eyes soft as he recalls childhood memories. It's one of the most personal things Loki has told Tony so far, and it makes Tony feel - like things are going well, for once.

That night, lying next to Loki isn't enough anymore. Tony feels restless, and he isn't sure if it's his own restlessness or Loki's, but either way, Tony can't sleep. He sits up and looks down at Loki, who is already squinting up at him. Tony can feel concern through their bond. It got a lot stronger in the last weeks already, and Loki's feelings aren't just faint echoes, but real emotions that easily get to Tony's head and mess up his own feelings.. He doesn't really mind that, even though it takes some time getting used to.

“Is something wrong?”

“No”, Tony replies, and then leans down to kiss Loki.

Loki makes a soft, almost startled sound, but then he's already kissing back. And it's just as good as Tony knew it would be, especially because giddy pleasure radiates off Loki in waves; their bond is positively humming in delight.

Loki moans when Tony straddles him and the sound makes Tony stop thinking, because he doesn't really need to think right now, anyway. Loki's hands are digging into his hips, probably already leaving bruises, and Tony barely notices because he's so busy kissing Loki. It's not soft or slow, it's _hungry_ and almost desperate, and it couldn't be better. Tony's already panting and Loki is writhing beneath him, trying to rock his hips. He growls, the sound coming from somewhere low in his throat, and gasps Tony's name against his mouth, begging for -

Tony breaks the kiss and nods jerkily. “Yes”, he pants, because he already knows what Loki is asking for. “Yes, I want -”

Loki interrupts him by rolling them both over. Tony's already spreading his legs and they aren't patient enough for a lot of foreplay or preparation. Tony doesn't give a damn about either, because Loki is kissing him again and nothing else could possibly matter at this moment. He feels slick fingers probing at his entrance and groans, arching up against Loki's body, trying to be as close as possible. He isn't sure anymore if the liquid heat in his veins is his own or Loki's; the lines between his and Loki's feelings and thoughts are blurring, maybe even disappearing, and Tony doesn't mind at all.

Loki's cock replaces his fingers, and Tony wraps his legs around Loki's waist when he pushes in. He muffles his moan by burying his face in Tony's shoulder and bites into the flesh, hard enough to hurt. Tony keens and tries to buck his hips, to make Loki move. Loki takes pity on him immediately, thrusting into Tony almost roughly, and Tony claws at his back and searches Loki's lips. They are more panting into each other's mouths than really kissing, but that's fine, it's all fine, and Loki is so unbelievably _happy_ that Tony falls apart far too quickly. He's already coming, and Loki cries out, his hips stuttering, and follows Tony over the edge.

Later, when they can breathe and - at least sort of - think again, Loki curls up against Tony's side and lazily kisses at his neck and shoulder. Tony rolls onto his side and wraps himself around Loki, shifting until he can look at him. Loki is smiling drowsily and Tony smiles back, then kisses him again.

They don't sleep a lot that night.

  
  


“I’m a Jotunn”, Loki says one day, speaking quickly as if he wants to get this over with. As if it’s a confession Tony is supposed to freak out about.

Tony doesn’t freak out. He suspected already that something like this was coming; Loki’s been anxious the whole day. It rubbed off on Tony, but he’s getting better at making out the difference between his own and Loki’s feelings, so he’s ready to comfort Loki about whatever is troubling him.

Thing is, he can’t comfort Loki if he has no idea what he’s talking about.

“Okay?”, he says slowly.

He has already stopped working on the part of his suit he’s updating and now looks at Loki, waiting for some more details. But Loki just stares at him from where he’s sitting on a table close by. His hands are fidgeting ever so slightly; he’s probably trying to keep them still and doesn’t quite manage. Tony is good at picking up those things by now.

Loki doesn’t say anything, so Tony says after a long, quiet moment, “Look, I don’t mean to be tactless or anything, but I - I don’t know what that is?”

Loki looks at him for a few seconds, then starts to frown. “You don’t know what a Jotunn is”, he says tentatively.

Tony remembers what Thor said about Loki being adopted, so it isn’t that hard to take a guess. “Some other kind of alien?”, he asks. “Like the Aesir?”

Loki actually laughs at that, and Tony can feel that it’s real amusement and not just sarcasm. The sound is so _good_ that Tony stops thinking for a moment, but he concentrates again when Loki shakes his head. His hands have stopped fidgeting.

“No”, Loki says. “Not like the Aesir. Although that does not matter to _you_ , I suppose. Your people have forgotten about the threat the Jotnar once were for you.”

Tony frowns, thinking about what he saw in the wormhole. The mere memory makes his chest feel far too tight. He swallows. “Are they still a threat?”

Loki’s amused smile disappears, his nervousness returns. “No. They are not.”

“Okay”, Tony says. “So you’re not Asgardian, but a Joten.”

“Jo- _tunn._ ”

“Yes, anyway - what about it?”

Loki looks at him for a long time before averting his eyes. “The Jotnar were monsters.”

Tony’s about to tell Loki about the preposterousness of generalization, but the phrasing makes him ask something else. “ _Were_?”

Loki’s still looking away, down at his hands. His shoulders are hunched. “I killed them.”

“What? All of them?”

“Yes.”

Tony stares at Loki. He doesn’t know what to say. Loki doesn’t meet his eyes, but after some time he speaks again, “I used the Bifröst. It destroyed their whole planet. Thor stopped it before it could destroy Asgard, too.”

The whole time, Tony thought that there were miles between the Loki who threw him out of the window and the Loki who makes him coffee every morning. He already knew that Loki isn’t the epitome of a good person, of course, and that he’s broken and messed up, but there was always the mind control thing that made things… easier. Easier to excuse. But Tony can guess _when_ Loki killed the Jotnar - it must have been briefly before he disappeared for almost a year, briefly before he _fell_ , as Thor put it. And Loki wasn’t mind controlled back then.

Tony yanks his eyes away from Loki and stares at the stuff on his work table. _The Merchant of Death_ , he thinks. How fitting.

“I had let a few Jotnar into Asgard to ruin Thor’s coronation”, Loki says, his voice tight and clipped. “It led to him being banished to Midgard. I learned that I was a Jotunn, Odin fell asleep, and I - I became king. I was… half insane. Thor may say that, but I didn’t fall.”

Not for the first time Tony wonders if Loki can read minds - or if their bond allows him to. He looks back at Loki, whose eyes are wide and scared, almost panicked.

Tony feels kind of sick, but it’s not like this changes anything. “Okay”, he says.

Loki looks incredibly confused. “What?”

“Okay”, Tony repeats. He clears his throat. “It’s okay. I mean, it’s _not_. It sucks that you did it. But we can - I don’t know. We can figure something out. It’s fine. Just don’t… do something like that again, because I’d kick your ass.”

Loki stays silent for a long time, but eventually he nods. “That is… acceptable.”

It is, yes. Tony thinks about what Loki said on that first day - _I’m not sure what is left of me._ Tony understood that already when Loki said it, since he felt pretty much the same after Afghanistan and still does, sometimes. But now he understands, or is maybe _starting_ to understand why Loki feels that way. He’s getting to know Loki, every part of him, and honestly, that feels amazing. Even though the things he learns aren’t always good things, they still belong to Loki, which makes them almost easy to except. Somehow, the knowledge that Loki didn’t fall upsets Tony the most. Maybe their bond is messing with his moral compass.

“Hey, Loki?”, he says after some time.

“Yes?”

“I love you, you know.”

Silence, for a while, then, “I know. I love you, too.”

Tony nods and picks up his tool again.

  
  


Tony gets to know Loki’s quirks and likes and dislikes. Loki clasps his hands when he’s nervous and chews on his lip while thinking or reading. The reason for many things he does is spite. He prefers books over tablets, though the internet fascinates him, and he has a sweet tooth. He's very possessive. Kissing Loki’s neck makes him melt. He enjoys watching and making fun of shitty reality tv. He hates action movies and being bored. He has mood swings and insecurities as large as Russia, and he's a gentleman. His favorite tea is that weird herbal one Tony can't take more than one or two sips of. He cherishes his magic more than anything else (except for Tony, maybe) and his voice gets this arrogant edge when he feels like he has to defense himself, which he often does when it's not even necessary. Loki's sense of humor is pitch black and he likes making Tony laugh, just as much as he likes to prank him. He can be cruel, and he's prone to schadenfreude. If it's necessary, he will protect Tony with his life.

Tony loves all of that.

  
  


They start fighting after four months. To nobody’s surprise, really. They were together non-stop for almost seventeen weeks, in the beginning they even went to the freaking bathroom together because being apart caused them pain, _of course_ they start fighting eventually. Actually that’s good, because it means that they are now officially bonded soulmates that are able to fight and go their own ways now and then. Tony still thinks Loki is perfect and _god_ , he loves him, but he's becoming aware again that his world isn't spinning around Loki, even though he might be the most important person in it. Realizing that makes many things easier. Fighting, for example.

They fight because Tony wants to shower alone and Loki doesn’t. (Which results in not showering at all for both of them, which again results in Loki telling Tony to “by the Nine, take a shower, you reek.”) They fight because Loki accuses Tony of burning his pancake on purpose. (“Why the fuck would I even do that?!”) They fight because Tony disappears into the workshop for two days. (“Stop ignoring me or I _will_ shave your head while you’re sleeping.”) They fight because Loki goes _insane_ being trapped inside this “dreadful” tower and because Tony doesn’t want him to leave, and that’s the last fight they have for quite some time because it ends with “Maybe I should leave and never come back!” and “Fine, I never wanted to have you here, anyway!”

After that fight, Tony goes to discuss things with Thor and SHIELD. That takes two days in which he and Loki don’t talk to each other and in which Tony’s chest doesn’t hurt anymore, because apparently now their bond is fine with them not just being apart, but also absolutely hating each other. (They could never hate each other.) When Tony’s back at the tower, he has JARVIS tell Loki the happy news.

And since Loki is now allowed to leave without endangering Tony in any way, he does leave and stays away for eighteen days.

Tony counts every single minute.

  
  


Loki returns to the tower in the early morning, but he doesn’t make himself visible for a few hours. Tony knows he’s there, anyway, because Loki follows him everywhere he goes and Tony can _feel_ him. Which is weird, but Tony doesn’t mind it. He likes it, actually. He can feel that Loki is well and healthy, and that being close to Tony again makes him incredibly happy.

When Loki shows himself, Tony is in the workshop. He looks up from his project when Loki appears directly next to him. He’s sure that Loki knows that Tony was already aware of his presence.

“Hi”, Tony says.

“Hello”, Loki replies.

Tony smirks at him. “Where have you been?”

“Oh, here and there. Vanaheim, mostly.” Loki hesitates, then adds, “I can show you some day.”

“Yeah, I’d like that.”

Loki steps closer, then reaches down to take the screwdriver from Tony’s hand and set it aside. He wraps gentle fingers around Tony’s wrips and pulls until Tony obeys the unspoken wish and stands up. Loki entwines their fingers and looks down at them, thoughtful.

“I wanted to see if I could live without you”, he says.

Tony raises a brow. “And?”

“I could.” Loki looks up again. “But I don’t want to.”

“Yeah”, Tony agrees. “Same.”

Loki smiles. His eyes crinkle a little and his dimples show, and Tony thinks that he is lucky - lucky to have Loki, lucky to know him. Loki is complicated, and perfect.

For Tony, anyway.

 


End file.
